Sunday, 3 July 2016

Sunday Snippets - 3rd July 2016

The last week hasn’t been too great unfortunately. My mental health seems to be rapidly deteriorating, which feels pretty scary, especially when I have to fight incredibly hard to get any sort of professional help and support. The worse my mental health gets, the harder it is to find the motivation inside of me to keep fighting. It’s also making my physical health problems more difficult to deal with, and sends my fatigue levels through the roof. I’ve tried to find things to distract myself with, but am finding it quite hard to concentrate on activities (which is why I’m sitting here on Sunday afternoon, still trying to write this post!) I get frustrated with myself, because I have so many ideas and plans for my blog and YouTube channel, but just can’t seem to make them happen, either because of my physical or mental health. I end up comparing myself to other bloggers/YouTubers a lot, and feel pretty inadequate a lot of the time. I do know I try my best with what I’m doing, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like enough.

Last Sunday I had quite a slow morning, as I wasn’t feeling great. After sorting out my medications for the week ahead, I spent the rest of the morning watching episodes of The Simpsons and doing some blogging. I then spent the afternoon resting on the sofa, watching YouTube videos (I’ve recently discovered The Michalaks and am loving them!) and replying to some Facebook messages. In the evening we went to a local Italian restaurant and met lots of our extended family for a meal to celebrate my Dad’s birthday. It was a long evening and I was shattered by the time we got home, but it was lovely to spend some time together. My Dad opened a few more presents and then I called it a night.

The peonies I bought earlier in the week had really opened up. Don’t they look beautiful! It’s such a shame they are only around for a short period of time.

I found it very difficult to find a happy photo for Monday if I’m completely honest. In the morning I went to have my hair cut, which was nice but completely wiped me out. So, when I got home I rested on the sofa and watched some TV. My GP rang around lunchtime and our conversation left me feeling pretty gutted. I won’t go into it all here, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt so isolated and alone with the things going on inside my head. I spent most of the afternoon breaking down in tears. Every time I managed to calm down, more bad thoughts came and I broke down again. The only thing that brought some comfort was Freddie cuddling me.

Tuesday morning I woke up feeling rather rubbish after a pretty awful night, which wasn’t unexpected after my bad day. I went for a massage in the morning, which was much needed but I wish it had lasted longer! I’ve got so many knots and tender areas at the moment though that I don’t think a day would be long enough to sort me out! I came home and rested for a bit, and then my Mum took me over to Aldershot to see my urology nurse. She was pleased that the self-catheterising is going well and invited me to an open day in September, where I can meet with different companies and try some different products. I had hoped to be a bit more productive when I came home, but just felt physically and mentally crap, so ended up resting. My sister gave me these carnations on Monday, as she saw how sad I was and wanted to cheer me up, which was sweet. They look very pretty on our kitchen windowsill.

On Wednesday morning I had to be up really early for a hospital appointment. My Dad took me over to the Pain Clinic for a follow-up group from the pain management course. The timings were all messed up, which made things quite stressful. And I found it very hard to be open about how much I’m struggling. I don’t know, I hoped there might be an offer of more help or support, but that was it. I left feeling more alone than when I arrived. I fell asleep for a while when I got home. In the afternoon I managed to distract myself by writing a few letters to my penpals on this cute writing paper. I’ve been finding it incredibly hard to find things to eat for dinner recently (breakfast and lunch aren’t too bad, as I have homemade muesli and a Fortisip). I don’t have much appetite, everything I eat makes me unwell and I just don’t have the energy or motivation to cook anything. Trying to cope with an eating disorder and serious digestive illnesses is just getting harder and harder.

Thursday was a bit of a mixed day and my head felt all over the place. I woke up not feeling great and kept bursting into tears. I ended up posting something on Twitter and tagging my local mental health team. It wasn’t my best idea, but I’m at the end of my tether, so thought I had nothing to lose by being honest. I managed to do a bit of video editing during the morning, then spent some of the afternoon resting. My Mum took me down to the chemist so I could speak to the pharmacist, as I had an eye infection. When I got home my Dad told me the mental health team had rung after seeing my Tweet, so I had to ring them back. The lady was very nice and listened to me cry and tell her what’s going on/how low I’m feeling. She said she would speak to my old psychiatrist and get back to me. I’m not getting my hopes up though, as I can’t see them changing their mind about helping me, especially after they’ve already been rung by several other medical professionals and said no. In the evening my Dad and I went to the cinema to see the Absolutely Fabulous movie, as I’d won tickets to the preview. It was very funny and a good distraction. We then went to Jamie’s Italian for a bit of dinner.

When we were at Jamie’s Italian, I popped to the loo and noticed the tap looked like a smiley face. With how I’m feeling at the moment, it made me smile a bit, so I thought I’d take a picture. I thought I might start a new little project where, if I see something that looks like a smiley face, I’ll take a photo and upload it on my social media using the hashtag #jenssmileproject – A bit random I know, but it’s another way to look for things that make me smile, and hopefully they might make others smile too.

I got up pretty late on Friday morning, as I felt quite tired after Thursday. I managed to finish editing the video I’m making of Emma’s Hen Party, so I’m excited for her to see it. In the afternoon I caught up on some YouTube videos and replied to some e-mails. I still have loads of blog e-mails to read and reply to though, but with my mental health as it is I’m really struggling to get anything done. This parcel actually arrived on Thursday, but I opened it on Friday afternoon. It’s a signed copy of Tanya Burr’s new baking book, Tanya Bakes, which I’m excited to look through and make some yummy treats. The mental health lady rang me in the evening, just to let me know she hadn’t forgotten me but hadn’t been able to speak to everyone she needed to yet.

Yesterday morning was fairly quiet and slow until my friend, Becky, came to pick me up. We went into Camberley and decided to have some lunch first, so went to Pizza Express who actually do quite a good range of gluten free options. Unfortunately I still ended up with bad digestive symptoms, but that pretty much happens whatever I eat these days, so not unexpected. After we’d eaten, we went next door to the cinema and watched The Secret Life of Pets. We were originally hoping to watch Me Before You, but the times were rubbish. However, the film we did see was pretty good and gave me a distraction from the things in my head for an hour or so. I came home, rested on the sofa and watched a few YouTube videos before falling asleep for a while.

I popped out into our garden when I got home from the cinema, and took some pictures of some of the beautiful flowers we have at the moment. There’s nothing better than expanses of pretty colours and gorgeous scents when you want to relax.

If you haven’t read my blog before, I just wanted to let you know that I have a second blog, which mainly focuses on my health in more depth than I talk about it here. It’s largely for friends and family to follow and keep up with what’s going on, but if it’s something you would be interested in reading as well, you are more than welcome to follow me over there. It’s called ‘Zebra Crossing’ and you can find it by clicking here. I’m trying to keep it updated fairly regularly, so hopefully there will be something there for you to read!

I’m also trying to post on Snapchat a bit more, so if you fancy following me, my username is Jennycole44.

What have you been up to this week? I always enjoy hearing about your news and adventures!

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